


What's Unsaid

by NJdudette



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship/Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-04-27 02:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14415759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NJdudette/pseuds/NJdudette
Summary: It was supposed to be a simple prisoner transfer, but hours later one of NYPD's finest will be fighting for their life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This fic is slightly AU in the sense Barba is still an ADA. I’m also introducing a new character (Maria Upshaw). Again, I’m not a great writer, but I always have stories swirling around in my head. I only wish I could get them from my head onto the computer screen in a creative way ;-) . I hope you enjoy!

**  
**

Detective Maria Upshaw was the last to arrive to the waiting room at Mercy hospital. Her Lieutenant had instructed everyone the night before to meet at 8:00 AM, or at least that’s what she thought she had said, Maria paused in the doorway as she looked around the room and saw the whole squad comfortably seated. She panicked and quickly glanced at her watch and it read 7:45 AM. Was she late? It seemed she couldn’t catch a break.

Today was an unusual day, typically a prisoner transfer wouldn’t require this many detectives, but this case had been a tough one. After Simpson had been convicted of serial rape and murder in the first degree he managed to break free in the courtroom and lunged at the judge. It took four police officers to bring him down and needless to say, he suffered a few injuries along the way, some of those injuries may be construed as excessive force, but Maria was pretty sure no one would feel sorry for the jack ass. One PP decided it would be a good idea for the squad to escort him out of the hospital as a show of positive publicity. It had been good detective work which caught Simpson and while it may have been an inconvenience for everyone, deep down they were proud of the job they had done.

“Lieutenant, I’m so sorry, I thought we were supposed to meet at 0800?” She mentally chastised herself for once again reciting military time; it was a hard habit to break.

“I did. Grab a seat Upshaw. We’re waiting to hear when Simpson will be released.”

Maria couldn’t gauge the Lieutenant’s mood based upon her response. She had been with the squad for nearly two months and she still felt like an outsider. Six months since leaving the Army and four months since joining the NYPD. Rollins and Carisi were friendly, but they kept Maria at arm’s length. Fin and her had bonded a bit over their shared experiences in the Army, but he made it clear she may have out ranked him in the Army, but in the world of the NYPD he was her superior.

Maria sized up the room and came to the realization she was the odd man out, everyone was seated on one side of the room with no vacant seats. She decided to make the best of it and grabbed one of the empty chairs along the window.

Truth be told, Maria was having a hard time fitting in, her husband told her to give it time, to give everyone a chance, and to allow them to get to know her. Maria mentally shook her head, easy for him to say, he has a cushy job teaching at West Point while she was still trying to figure out how to adjust to civilian life and her new career. As each day passed, she questioned if this was the right place for her.

Just then the hospital administrator walked into waiting room and scanned the room, “Lieutenant Olivia Benson?”

Liv took off her glasses which had been perched on the tip of her nose and stood to shake the administrator’s hand, “I’m Lieutenant Benson, can you tell me when Simpson will be discharged?”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the doctor is stuck in surgery. It will be at least another two to three hours before he’s able to examine Simpson and release him.”

Liv looked at the rest of the squad in disbelief and then back to the hospital administrator, she had to be kidding?!?!?! “There isn’t another doctor who can discharge him? He’s been in here two weeks already. After what he did to those women he needs to begin serving his time.”

Liv had seen quite a lot in her thirty plus years as a member of the NYPD police department, but this guy scared her. She likened him to Lewis and thought she’d never see another psycho such as him, but sadly no matter how many sickos they put away, there always seemed to be a fresh supply of new murders and rapists to replace them. She wasn’t sure if she was becoming softer in her old age or the scum were becoming more mentally depraved?

“I know Lieutenant, but my hands are tied. The doctor was adamant that she be the one to release Simpson. I wish I could be of more help.”

Liv was exasperated, how much more prison time could Simpson avoid? She threw her hands up in disgust and turned towards her squad, “you heard her, looks like we’re going to be here awhile longer.”

In unison, the detectives began shrugging off their NYPD jackets and bullet proof vests. No sense wearing them while they waited. It’s true the vests were tremendous life savers, but they were uncomfortable as all hell.

Everyone, with the exception of Maria, began texting or calling someone to rearrange their schedules. Maria really didn’t have anyone to get in touch with. She didn’t have many cases she was working on and of the ones she was on, she wasn’t the lead detective on any of them. She _could_ text her husband and bitch to him, but he’d only remind her that there were worse things in life, such as transporting a wounded soldier in Kandahar Province. She shook her head to erase the memories, he was right; there _were_ worst things in life.

Maria grabbed a discarded magazine from a nearby chair and settled in for a wasted day.

*** * * ***

 Rafael stared at his phone and reread the text message from Liv for the fifth time:

  _[Sorry, but I need to cancel on lunch today. We’re stuck at the hospital with the prisoner transfer. Catch up with you tomorrow.]_

In the past a text message such as this from Liv wouldn’t have mattered much, but lately Rafael found himself daydreaming about her more and more. Recently he found himself stopping by the precinct for the smallest of reasons, just so he could see her. Something inside of him stirred whenever she was around him.

He rubbed his hands over his face and tried to shake the new emotions he was feeling. Even though they butt heads more times than he could count, he respected her passion for her job and over time their friendship had become something more. What it was he couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but far too many times he caught himself staring at her lips and wondering what it would be like to kiss her?

He recalled that night at Forlini’s and how physically close they got. The warmth of her body next to his had done things to him and made him think about her differently.

He did have a plea deal he needed to discuss with her, but it wasn’t high on his priority list and if he recalled, the defense attorney was on vacation so it could wait. Orrrrr, he could swing by the hospital and go over the file with Liv?

Maybe she’d see through it?

He looked at the text message once more…

*** * * ***

Liv looked down at her phone and saw Rafael had responded to her. She wasn’t expecting him to, but she also had hoped he would. Their dynamic had changed recently. Sure they were good friends, but things had progressed to a new level about two weeks ago. After Simpson had been found guilty, and following everything that had gone down shortly thereafter, the squad, including Rafael decided to meet at Forlini’s to celebrate and blow off some steam.

All was good until Rollins began ordering shots…

Liv could remember calling Lucy and asking her to stay overnight, but after that things got a little fuzzy. She and Rafael got a little handsy…correction, very handsy. At one point she remembered Rafael sitting on the bar stool, she was standing between his legs, with her back to him while he massaged her shoulders. It was heavenly, not to mention it left her a little hot under the collar.

The two of them were the last to leave the bar and to say they were drunk would have been an understatement. They had been laughing at something the bartender said, but for the life of her she couldn’t remember what it was. Before she knew it, it was 2:00 AM and they had stumbled out to the sidewalk. Rafael had been the more sober of the two and had sense enough to hail her a cab. When the cab arrived, he opened the car door and that’s when he kissed her goodnight. Not a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek sort of a thing…nope, it was a full on kiss square on her lips. Sadly, no tongue, but that kiss had sobered her up quicker than five cups coffee ever could have! And when he pulled away, he looked at her with a half lidded smile and said ‘ _good night_.’

She worried their first interaction at work after that night would have been awkward, but it hadn’t been. It was as if it never happened. She assumed Rafael was too drunk to remember, but she had noticed him coming around her office more often.

She felt they were at a juncture, someone needed to make a move beyond a drunken kiss…

*** * * ***

Maria happened to look up from her magazine at the moment Liv received a text message. She was sure it had nothing to do with her son because her reaction wasn’t one of concern. Nope, it was something else.  She wasn’t quite sure, but she had a hunch. Liv looked at her message, took off her glasses and re-read the message, suppressed a smile, and then appeared to blush. If Maria had to guess, she suspected it was from the ADA, Rafael Barba. True she hadn’t been with the squad long, but she had been picking up on “tells” so to speak.  Especially the one from two weeks ago.  They had all met at a local bar after the Simpson verdict and Maria had noticed an air of electricity between them.  She hadn’t stayed long that night and she was fairly certain they weren’t involved sexually, but she was sure there was some sort of chemistry going on between those two. Interesting…

Liv glanced up and met Maria’s eye’s, she knew from Maria’s background that she had a degree not only in criminology, but in psychology too and had come highly recommended from the Army as a profiler – meaning, she was very good at reading people. Before Liv could acknowledge Maria, she had diverted her eyes back down to her magazine. Liv was unsure if that meant she knew what was going on or if she had no interest?

Liv cleared her throat and looked around at no one in particular, “Barba is going to stop by to discuss the SoHo Peeper, so if you have anything else to discuss with him, now would be a good time.”  
  
Rollins looked up from her phone with a frown that screamed _‘He’s coming here? Now? Why?’_

Liv feigned innocence, “like I said, he’s coming over here to discuss another case and a possible plea deal. I don’t expect him to be here long, so it’s not like you have to talk to him. I just thought if you had something to discuss, maybe you could take care of it now rather than updating your Twitter account…” Liv motioned with her eyes down to Rollins’ phone, as in ‘ _remember, you’re still on the clock.’_

“Copy that Lieutenant.” Rollins then glanced over towards Liv as she sent a text back to Rafael, and then nudged Carisi with her elbow and winked at him when he looked at her. The two of them had an unspoken conversation with each other within a matter of seconds.

*** * * ***

After texting Liv a number of times to find out exactly where she was, Barba arrived at the waiting room. He hesitated for a moment wondering if this was really necessary…maybe a tad bit too much? Although, he reasoned it was too late now to exit stage left as Liv looked up the moment he stepped into the waiting room. She smiled warmly at him and Barba knew he was done in for. His heart beat faster and he was embarrassed by how she made him feel.

Both Rollins & Carisi stood and made room for Barba and also took this as an opportunity to stretch their legs and escape, “anyone need anything from the cafeteria?” Rollins asked.

Maria had wanted to join them, but they were another couple she had questions about. Were they just friends? Were they together? After two months of watching them interact she still couldn’t tell what was going on between them, but one thing was certain, Carisi was smitten and Rollins was milking it for all it was worth. “Can you grab me a bottle of water and a newspaper if they have one?” Maria asked after tossing her magazine to the side. She was beyond bored and really didn’t want to get sucked into playing a game on her phone.

Rollins nodded her head and then looked towards Barba and Liv to see if they needed something, but they were already deep in conversation.

Maria caught Rollins and Carisi nudging each other as they stepped out into the hallway. She wasn’t the only one who suspected something was going on between ADA and the Lieutenant…

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but I promise things will pick up shortly.

A couple of hours had passed and Maria had continued to keep an eye on the so called office politics as it played out before her. They were all good cops, willing to serve and protect, but like any office there was drama.  Maria had hoped to avoid some if not all of that drama as she had her fill of it in the Army. Her mantra back then and going forward would still be the same ‘ _If it doesn’t affect you, then it’s none of your god damn business!_ ’ Sound words to live by.

The Hospital Administrator arrived once again and this time she had good news, “Lieutenant Benson, the doctor has finished examining your prisoner and has given the ok for him to be released into the NYPD’s custody.”

Liv smiled and nodded her head, “Thank you, we’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Maria had been observing Barba and the Lieutenant on and off for the past couple of hours and almost chuckled out loud at their looks of disappointment when their “ _meeting_ ” had come to an end. Barba started packing up his things while the Lieutenant began instructing her squad.

“Ok everyone, let’s suit up, and don’t forget to check your weapons. Remember what Simpson did in the courtroom. I don’t want any mistakes. Once he has been handed over to us, I want Rollins to take point, Carisi and I will escort Simpson, with Fin and Upshaw bringing up the rear.”

Liv gazed around the room as the detectives gathered up their gear and checked their revolvers. The clicking sound of metal sliding against metal bounced off the walls as each detective ensured their weapon was ready to go.

“Counselor, want to take a walk with us? I know it’s a break with protocol, but you were a part of this too,” Liv suggested as she looked at him

“Normally I’d take a pass, but it’ll be nice to watch this sick bastard get knocked down a few notches. Thanks for the invite,” he answered, smiling at her. He enjoyed watching Liv in full police mode and wasn’t at all intimidated or threatened by her sense of power, in fact he enjoyed the dichotomy of her personality. How she could be so strong at work and be a role model to so many, and yet be very soft and caring when away from the job.

Moments later Liv was signing off on the last of the paperwork while Fin checked Simpson restraints. “Are we good to go?”

“Lieutenant, I understand this prisoner is guilty of a heinous crime…”

“That would be crimes, Dr. Mitchell” Liv interrupted

“Right…as I was saying, even though that may be the case, he has many wounds that are still healing. He needs to be treated with care.”

Fin couldn’t believe his ears, _treated with care_? “We’ll be sure to show him the same amount of compassion and sensitivity he had shown those women he raped and murdered.”

Simpson was a large muscular man, he towered over the SVU detectives, and most people would find him intimidating. He was sporting a two week old beard, which covered some of the cuts and bruises he received when he tried to attack the judge a couple of weeks ago. He met all the criteria of a psychopath and Liv was sure by now he had the hospital staff wrapped around his finger and that’s what she was afraid of. He was very good at manipulating people, which is how he was able to gain the trust of so many women.

As per NYPD procedure, Rollins double checked Simpson’s restraints. That’s when Simpson took the opportunity to share his sickest desires with her, “You like to be tied up baby?” he whispered “I’ll tie you up so tight you’ll be begging me to kill you. And I will, nice and slow…” He licked his lips as he watched her eyes grow wider, he could almost smell her fear of him.

Rollins was incensed by his words. She had seen firsthand his handiwork and knew how much pleasure he gained from it. She jerked down on the restraints around his wrists causing him cry out in pain, “say again? How does it feel to be our bitch?!?!”

Simpson feigned injury and looked at the doctor with such innocence, “you were the only one who cared enough about my well-being, look at what these police officers are trying to do to me. I’m not sure I’ll make it to prison alive. Can’t you help me?”

Rollins face turned a dark shade of red and she was about ready to jump all over the prisoner when Fin and Liv jumped in and pulled her back. Simpson took a few steps back hoping to do what, Maria wasn’t quite sure, as he stepped right into her and Carisi.

“You’re not going anywhere but prison Simpson, so stay put.” Carisi managed to utter through his gritted teeth. Carisi wanted to bash his head in, but he had the utmost respect for the law, but scum like this questioned his beliefs.

Doctor Mitchell was shocked and her uneasiness grew as Simpson pretended to be injured. “Lieutenant, is this behavior necessary? You’ve been in charge of _my_ patient for all of five minutes and I’ve already witnessed multiple instances of police brutality.”

Rollins exploded and was trying to break free from Liv and Fin, “police brutality?!?! Are you kidding me? I should show you…”

“Rollins, that’s enough!” Liv had grabbed her by the shoulders and was steering her down the hallway and away from the prisoner. “Do I have to remind you One-PP specifically asked our squad to transport Simpson? To turn him over to prison authorities with ZERO complications? I know this was a tough case, but you’re better than this.”

Rollins relaxed enough for Liv to release her grip, but she still didn’t make eye contact.

“I need to know that you’re going to stand down and make this work?”

Rollins was still staring at the floor, but managed to nod her head in agreement. She knew she was wrong, but men like Simpson disgusted her.

“Rollins? I need you to look at me and acknowledge that you can handle this? If you can’t, then you can head back to the squad room now.”

Rollins begrudgingly looked up at her Lieutenant, she considered her a friend, but at this moment she was her boss and she said what she needed to, “copy that Lieutenant. I’m all in.”

The doctor once more began to argue and Liv put her hand up to silence her, “Upshaw, check his restraints and make sure they’re _not_ too tight.”

Barba watched all of this from a safe distance, not so much because he was scared, but because A) he was giving the detectives space to do their job and B) this was their show, not his…he was merely tagging along.

Simpson looked around and saw Barba standing off to the side, “I see the gangs all here. You even brought the outstanding ADA Rafael Barba with you. Oh what a party it will be.” He smiled and blew Barba a kiss.

Liv went toe to toe with Simpson, she was well aware of what he was capable of, but it was important to show him she was not afraid, “Ok that’s enough, we’ve wasted enough time. The sooner we hand you over to the prison officials at Sing Sing the better I’ll sleep tonight.”

“Show me the way Lieutenant Olivia Benson,” he winked.

“I’ll escort you to the van Lieutenant; I want to insure Mr. Simpson will be transported safely.” The doctor was acting very clingy and Liv could only imagine the stories Simpson had told her. It was clear he had her wrapped around his finger.

They slowly began moving down the hallway, on alert for anything out of the unusual and vigilant enough to have each other’s backs.

Barba fell into step behind everyone, giving them more than enough room to do their jobs. He had all the confidence in the world they knew what they were doing.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The part of the hospital the detectives and their prisoner were walking through had been underutilized over the years and as a cost saving measure the hospital had decided to shut it down. It was the perfect route to usher Simpson to the waiting van. No need to worry about the security of protecting nosy bystanders and hospital patients. 

Carisi glanced up at the flickering light above him and the peeling paint nearby. He was pretty sure the hospital shut down this section to avoid removing the paint, which he was certain contained lead. He wondered if the hospital was currently litigating lawsuits related to said lead based paints? Something caught his eye at the end of the hallway, was it a rat? Damn, someone should strap a saddle on that thing!

Everything was going smoothly, albeit slowly, as they continued their walk down the hallway.

_POP POP_

They all knew that sound…

_POP POP POP POP POP_

Fin and Upshaw turned around with their guns drawn, prepared to do what they had to do to protect everyone. Fin grabbed at Barba and yanked him so that he was behind him. Liv began pushing Simpson to move faster, but that wasn’t part of _his_ plan. Rollins had her gun pointed forward in case gunmen had plans on attacking them from the front and the rear.

“How much further to the exit? Can we make it?” Liv yelled, practically dragging Simpson behind her.

“It’s at the end of the hallway; I don’t think we can Lieu,” yelled Rollins.

Fin and Upshaw were walking backwards trying to gauge what was happening.  Bullets and shrapnel were ricocheting at the opposite end of the hallway when a security guard appeared, he had his gun drawn and was firing back at whoever was firing at him when suddenly he was hit by a gun blast so powerful it blew him backwards, he stumbled and then fell. He was dead before he even hit the ground. Three men in ski masks rounded the corner with guns drawn.

“Negative Liv, find cover now!!” Fin shouted as both he and Upshaw began shooting. Hoping to give the others time to find cover.

Liv and Rollins grabbed at Simpson and the doctor and tried shoving them into an open doorway. Simpson was fighting back and it was a struggle to get him into the room, “you bitches are nothing!” Carisi came up from the rear and slammed Simpson from behind so hard that he lost his balance and stumbled into the room and crashed into the wall on the opposite side of the room.

The three men slowly advanced toward the detectives with their weapons in full automatic mode. A barrage of bullets exploded all around Fin, Upshaw and Carisi. Door jams shattered as the bullets made contact, shrapnel flew in multiple directions, the bullets easily ripped through the sheetrock and pieces of chalk flew through the air. The bullets managed to hit a few human targets too…

The three detectives managed to back into the room along with everyone else…it was pure chaos.  Simpson was standing in the middle of the room, his nose bloodied from smashing into the wall, laughing and yelling to his buddies in the hallway.  Carisi was standing at the doorway firing back at the gunmen, but he was out numbered…Fin reloaded his automatic rifle with another clip and joined Carisi.  Rollins was attending to the doctor who was lying motionless on the floor, but didn’t appear to have been hit. Simpson had drifted back to the corner and was laughing.

“You animal, what did you do to her?!?!” Rollins leapt at Simpson, but Maria got a hold of her and held her back. Rollins winced at the burning sensation in her arm and Maria could feel the stickiness of the blood as it seeped down her arm and to her hands.

Simpson kept laughing, and then got serious “that bitch got what she deserved. She was nothing but dead weight.” That was about as much of a confession as they were ever going to get out of him.

“C’mon fellas, keep pushing for…” His words of encouragement were cut short by a quick jab to his temple courtesy of the butt of Maria’s revolver. He crumpled to the floor and Maria knew it would only be for a short while.

Maria turned back to Rollins, helping her to sit down, and quickly checking her wound. “You lucked out, it’s just a flesh wound, it looks worse than it really is. I’ll look for some bandages in a moment and will get you squared away.”

Maria then stood to evaluate the situation and that’s when she saw the Lieutenant dazed, on the floor. She was trying to reach for her revolver and stand when Maria rushed to her side.

“I ne..need to help them…” Liv made an attempt to stand once again, but the searing pain in her shoulder knocked her back down.

“Lieutenant, you need to look at me. You’re hurt. You need to sit tight while I assess your wounds.”

“Rollins, check all the drawers for bandages…anything to help the Lieutenant!!”

Fin looked back into the room at all of the commotion and saw Liv had been hit and shook his head, “shit…”

Rollins began frantically opening drawers and cabinets grabbing everything she could, hoping it would in some way help. Even though this part of the hospital had been shut down, plenty of supplies had been left behind in cabinets and Maria began sorting through bandages, gauze pads, trauma pads, antiseptic towelettes, tape, scissors, and even a stethoscope.

Simpson started moaning and moving around. Maria grabbed the tape and slapped it in Rollins’ hand, “tape his mouth shut and make sure he can’t go anywhere.”

The shooting had stopped, a slight haze hung in the hallway and the smell of gunpowder was ever present. Fin suspected the gunmen were probably re-grouping, trying to figure out what their next move would be.

Maria was happy for the lull, but knew it would be short lived. She worked quickly to find out how badly injured her Lieutenant was.

“Lieutenant, do you know if you’re hurt anywhere else other than your shoulder?”

Liv was trying real hard to keep it together, but the pain was excruciating and she felt so light headed. She could hear Upshaw talking to her, but she was having a hard time understanding what she was saying. “I don’t think so; I believe it’s just my shoulder,” she managed to utter in between raspy breaths.

Maria checked the Lieutenants vitals and was not overly happy with the results. “Ok, I need to remove your vest, I’m going to do my best not to hurt you, but you need to try and keep quiet. We can’t let them know any of us are injured. I need you to lean forward a bit so I can pull the vest away.”

“Rollins, give me a hand.”

Maria and Rollins carefully removed Liv’s vest as Fin and Carisi kept an eye on the hallway, both hoping the gunmen weren’t preparing to launch their next offensive.

After Liv’s vest was removed, they carefully leaned her back against the wall and as she looked towards Fin and Carisi she began to weep.  Maria thought the Lieutenant had another injury and started checking her over again until she noticed she was pointing towards the doorway, she followed the Lieutenants gaze and that’s when she saw it. There was a trail of blood smeared on the floor leading to the room across the hallway and there sat Barba resting against the door.

Maria jumped up, spun around the room as if she were expecting to see Barba sitting on one of the chairs in their room. When she didn’t see him she looked back across the hallway. She could see he was in a great deal of pain and she knew she needed to help him.

She inched up behind Fin and Carisi and whispered, “How’d Barba end up across the hallway? He’s been hit too…”

Fin looked back at Liv and then to Maria, “I don’t know, we saw him after they stopped shooting. I didn’t want to say anything out loud and upset Liv.”

Maria nodded, but the jig was up, “Well now she knows. Let me finish with her and we’ll need to figure out what to do about Barba.”

Maria returned to Liv and began examining her wound a bit more thoroughly, “Lieutenant, I know you’re hurt and upset, but I need to look at your wound. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt real bad, but I need to treat your wound to avoid the start of an infection. Ok?”

Liv was trying to stay focused, but Rafael was wounded across the hallway and there was nothing she could do about it. She was in charge of this unit, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she’d be coherent, “Rollins, find out what’s going on with ESU and when they can back us up?”

“I’m trying Lieu, but I’m having a hard time getting reception. I’ll keep moving around the room; maybe I’ll get a signal somewhere.”

Maria continued working on Liv, cleaning her wound, dressing it, checking for other injuries, and re-checking her vitals.

She met with everyone at the doorway and gave them an update, “she’s not doing well. There’s no exit wound and she’s lost a lot of blood. At the moment it’s not life threatening, but in 60 minutes it could be. She _needs_ to get into surgery and find out what kind of damage that bullet did.”

Rollins’ phone began to vibrate and she quickly answered it and gave ESU an update of the situation. They advised her of their plan and told her they’d call back shortly with more information. “I have good and bad news. ESU took out the gunmen at the prison van, but can’t get eyes on what’s going on in here and have asked us to sit tight while they figure out their next move. They don’t want to accidentally shoot one of us while trying to rescue all of us.”

“And we’re just supposed to let Barba bleed out?” Carisi said a bit too loudly.

Maria grabbed at his arm to quiet him, “shhhh, not so loud. I’ll go over there.”

“You’ll what?!?! I understand you may think you’re still in Afghanistan and no one can kill you, but I’m here to remind you that YOU can be killed.” Fin liked Maria and thought she brought a good skill set to SVU, but he wasn’t willing to risk her life.

“Listen Fin, he needs my help and you more than anyone know that we don’t leave our own behind. If I get a running start and slide across the hallway floor to Barba, I’ll be in the room before the gunmen even realize what’s going on.”

Fin looked over at Liv who was staring at Barba. He had worked with her longer than anyone on the squad and probably knew her better than she knew herself. He was aware her and Barba were close, but how close was none of his business, but if it meant putting her mind at ease, then he was all in. “Upshaw, you’re sure you’re ok with this?”

“Yeah, I am. We gotta help him.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

Barba stared at the ceiling; he couldn’t believe he had been shot. He tried moving his leg, but he was pretty sure he had never felt such intense pain in his whole life. He loosened his tie and rubbed a hand over his face, ‘ _how did this happen_?’

He looked across the hallway and he could see the detectives talking and was sure they were discussing him and his current predicament, probably pissed off that he got separated from them. It all happened so fast, one minute they’re walking down the hallway and the next bullets are flying through the air. He got hit and collapsed to the ground and managed to drag himself into a room. He was embarrassed to admit he got sick soon after he saw his blood soaked pants. By the time he managed to get ahold of his senses, he realized he had been separated from the group. He chastised himself for being so stupid.

He stared at Liv. She didn’t look good and he wanted them to stop worrying about him and to focus on her.

He watched as the new detective gathered items and placed them in some sort of a bag, while also grabbing a bullet proof vest, but he hadn’t a clue what she was up to.

Fin and Carisi stationed themselves at the door, Rollins was attending to Liv, and Maria was standing across the room with her hands full of supplies getting ready to do something…

* * *

Maria stood as far away from the doorway as she possibly could, she wasn’t sure if all the stuff she was holding onto would bog her down, but she couldn’t focus on that. She needed to get across the hallway and find out how badly Barba had been hit.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and nodded to Fin. She ran towards the open doorway, Barba’s eyes were wide eyed, he thrust up his hands telling her to stop but it was too late, her mind was set. She was maybe a step or two beyond the doorway when she hit the ground and slid into the room where Barba was trapped. It was a move that took the gunmen completely by surprise. They managed to let off a few rounds, but by the time they did, Maria was safely in the room with Barba.

“Are you out of your mind?!?! You could have gotten yourself killed! I’m really not worth the effort detective,” Barba managed to blurt out after the initial shock of what just transpired had worn off.

“I respectively disagree with you counselor, we need you more than ever.”

Maria began dumping out all of her supplies on the floor next to Barba. She then handed him the bullet proof vest, but he waved it off, “I don’t need that. Throw it back across the hallway to Liv; she needs it more than I do.”

“No you need to put it on; you’re _now_ a material witness to a felony. Besides, there’s a certain someone who’d be real upset if I didn’t make sure you lived to see tomorrow.”

Maria made eye contact with Barba and then they both looked across the hallway to her Lieutenant.

Barba cleared his throat, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Lieutenant Benson cares about her whole squad, I don’t think…”

Maria interrupted him, “I may be new, but I _see_ everything. Now the sooner I take a look at your injury, the sooner I can get to watching the hallway.”

Barba acquiesced and nodded his head.

Maria looked at his leg, his blood soaked pants, and while checking his pulse she asked, “Do you have injuries anywhere else? Do you feel light headed?”

“I do feel a little woozy.”

“That’s to be expected as you’ve lost a bit of blood. I’m going to rip open your pant leg to get a better look at your leg. It’s going to hurt quite a bit, but you need to gut it out and try to keep as quiet as you can. I don’t want the gunmen knowing we have any injuries down here. Ok?”

Barba nodded again and braced himself for the inevitable, but what he was not prepared for was the searing pain he was about to be confronted with.

Maria donned a pair of surgical gloves before tearing away at his pant leg and cutting off the remainder with a pair of scissors. As careful as she could she inspected the wound on the front of his thigh. “I know it hurts, but I’m almost done, I need to check the back of your thigh.”

Barba braced himself, his eyes where watering from the pain and the need to keep quiet, “you could have at least bought me dinner first.”

Maria smiled as she carefully lifted his leg with one hand and explored the wound with her other hand, “glad to see you still have a sense of humor,” she said with a wink.

She looked through her supplies and began tearing open packages and laying them out in front of her. Barba was delirious and let out a breath he had been holding in while the detective had been examining him. He looked over at Liv and could see the pain in her eyes. He smiled at her trying to reassure her that he was going to be ok.

“Alright, I have sort of good news and sort of bad news. The good part is the bullet passed through so the surgeons won’t have to deal with a lodged bullet. The bad news…”

A wave of nausea hit Barba and he began to sway. Everything was blurry and he was starting to blackout.

“Hey, hey…you need to stick with me.” Maria tapped his face with her hand. She grabbed the bottle of water and handed it to him. “Here, take a sip. You need to breathe. Nice and easy.” She pulled his face towards her, “ok? I know it hurts, but you gotta fight through the pain and get back to that lady across the hallway.”

Barba listened to her and focused on his breathing. He rested his head on the door behind him and listened to her talk while he took small sips of water.

Maria smiled, thankfully she had never experienced a bullet wound, but she had treated far more than she cared to count. “I’m going to dress your wound. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to hurt real bad, but right now I need to focus on fighting an infection that already has a jump start on me.”

Barba looked at her, he wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take, but she was right, he was fighting to see Liv again. Fighting to tell her how he felt about her and hopefully she would feel the same for him.

Maria got up and quickly began searching through the drawers and cabinets, grabbing a few more items.

“You never told me the bad news…”

Maria stopped for a moment to recall their previous conversation, “oh right, the bullet may have hit your femur, but I’m not sure. There’s some sort of fragment on the exit wound, but I can’t tell if it’s bone or debris. I’m hoping it’s the latter.”

She plopped down her additional supplies and handed Barba a small cloth that she had neatly folded, “you may want to bite down on this.”

He was exhausted and the fear of what was about to come was overwhelming. He took a deep breath and reached for the cloth. He looked up at Maria and nodded ok, stuck the cloth in his mouth, and closed his eyes.

Maria opened a bottle of rubbing alcohol and hesitated for a moment before she began pouring it on the wound. Barba’s eyes sprung open and he lurched forward, every blood vessel in his neck was bulging, Maria held up her free hand to keep him from moving too much and then he went limp.

Maria dropped the bottle of rubbing alcohol and checked his vitals and rested back once she realized he had passed out from the pain. She looked over at the concerned looks of Fin and Carisi and mouthed that Barba would be ok. Thankfully Rollins had been smart enough to put herself between the Lieutenant’s line of view.

Honestly, with Barba passed out it would be easier to dress his wound. She made fast work of it as she didn’t know how long he’d be down.

After she was done, Maria took a moment to admire her handiwork, it wasn’t perfect, but she was sure she did all that she could to stave off any infection that was brewing. She stood up with a groan and stretched her back, leaning down to touch her toes, and then twisting her torso to work out the kinks. She pulled out her gun and checked the number of rounds she had remaining and hoped she had enough. She had seen Rollins on the phone with ESU a couple of times and both times she didn’t look happy and that’s what concerned Maria the most right now. They needed to get out of here because she wasn’t sure how much more time her Lieutenant had left.

* * *

Liv stared across the hallway and was happy to see Rafael resting. She was unaware he had passed out from the pain, but that was ok. Everyone around her was happy she didn’t know the truth.

Her shoulder throbbed. She couldn’t focus her thoughts anymore and knew she had lost a lot of blood. Amanda kept checking on her, but deep down she knew it wasn’t going well. She worried about Noah and what he’d do without her. She tried so hard to give him a good home, but now she wasn’t sure she’d be able to see him grow into a teenager, let alone a man. She was trying to stay awake, to be strong, but all she wanted to do was sleep. She had confidence in Fin and knew he was in control of the situation.

Maybe she’d close her eyes and rest for a little bit.

* * *

Barba stirred, he blinked his eyes, the bright lights blinded him. He tried to move, but the shooting pain in his leg jolted him awake. He looked around, unsure of where he was. He saw Upshaw sitting by the doorway, gun in her hand and it all came back to him. He rubbed his face, hoping it was all a bad dream, but deep down he knew he was right in the middle of it.

Maria saw him moving and smiled, “nice of you to join us.”

Barba looked down at his leg, rubbed his hand over the bandages and then looked up at Maria and was instantly embarrassed. He remembered what happened. She had begun bandaging his leg and then the pain hit and it was something he had never experienced before…and then everything went black. He tried to speak, to apologize for his weakness but he couldn’t find the words.

“Counselor, there’s no need to apologize.” Barba tried to interrupt her but she held up her hand, “really, there’s no need to apologize. I’ve seen some nasty injuries and yours ranks up there, not to mention I was unable to give you anything for the pain. You’re one tough guy Mr. Barba, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Barba dropped his head in relief, there was never a question about his masculinity, but sometimes he thought the detectives didn’t respect him enough. “Thanks, I appreciate that.”

A comfortable silence descended upon them. Maria watching the hallway and Rafael playing the part of a spectator of sorts.

Barba finally broke the silence, “so what’s the story with ESU? Did you make contact with them?”

“Yeah, they’re assessing the situation.” Maria made air quotes to emphasize the word _assessing_.

“What does that mean exactly?”

“It means we’re gonna be here awhile…”

Barba wondered what was going on and how long they would be stuck waiting?

Barba decided to make small talk to pass the time, “So Upshaw, what’s your story? How’d you end up at SVU? The Lieutenant told me you had been in the Army?”

Upshaw smiled, thinking back to her days in college, “Yup. I grew up in Jersey and graduated from the University of Texas with a degree in criminology and psychology.”

“Texas? Pretty far for a Jersey girl, no?”

Maria suppressed a laugh, “Let’s just say I had a thing for cowboys. Anyway, one day there was an Army recruiter on campus and I decided to join up. I enlisted in the army, went through OCS training, and eventually found myself stationed in Iraq.”

“How’d you end up a medic?” Pointing down to his leg, not the educational background he had expected to hear from her.

Maria smiled and chuckled a bit, “It’s a long story. I started out as an MP and then transitioned to intelligence where I met my husband, and then I began moonlighting as a medic.”

“Moonlighting?”

“Let’s just say it made for very long days.”

Barba thought for a moment, “you met you husband while deployed?”

Maria smiled, “that I did. My husband is a West Point grad, career Army. We first met in Iraq, but his tour was ending as mine was beginning. He returned to the states and I moved onto Afghanistan. We ran into each other again and we began dating, although that sounds so funny when you consider where we were stationed. It wasn’t easy.”

Barba listened intently, “it wasn’t?”

Maria laughed, “The Army publically says they don’t have a problem with men and women dating, but privately they do. I didn’t report to my husband, but we did work with each other and the Army had problems with that. Add to that the problems with interrogating Muslim men and I found myself on the outside looking in – _literally_!”

Maria could see Barba didn’t understand so she continued, “I’m a good profiler, in fact I’m an excellent profiler, but Muslim men won’t talk to a woman, so often times I found myself on the opposite side of the interrogation window instructing a junior officer through an ear piece what to ask. I found it extremely frustrating. The Army denied me promotions and to keep myself busy I requested training to be a medic. I could still help my fellow soldiers and often times I was asked to _consult_ on certain intelligence cases. My husband and I were stationed on the same base so we got to see each other often.”

Barba considered her last comment and then responded, “Do you regret it?”

Maria didn’t hesitate, “nope, not once have I ever regretted falling in love with him. I regret some of the decisions I made along the way and wished at times I had done things differently, but he’s the man I fell in love with. It was never easy” and then she looked across the hallway at her Lieutenant and then back to Barba where their eyes met, “but I have zero regrets and would do it all over in a heartbeat.”

A silence fell over them and then Barba decided to speak up, “how did you notice? I mean, was I that obvious?”

Maria started to laugh, “You know the song by Bonnie Raitt, Something to Talk About? Laugh just a little too loud, stand just a little too close, we stare just a little too long. Yeah, that’s the two of you.”

Barba thought for a moment… _the two of you_??? Detective Upshaw thought Liv acted strangely around him too?

Maria could see he wasn’t getting it, “I understand, I’m the new person, how could I know? But remember, I’m a profiler, I notice things…trust me, you can’t win at poker against me.” Still nothing from Barba, “you both smile more when the other is around; you both laugh at each other jokes…even when they’re not particularly funny. You always leave the bar with each other, and please _don’t_ try and blame it on being a gentleman.”

What Maria didn’t get, it wasn’t Barba being thickheaded, it was Barba not believing Liv was acting the same way and he had never noticed. Barba had come to the realization that the feelings between them were mutual and yet they never acted on them. How could he have been so stupid?

_POP POP POP_

Their conversation was instantly cut short.

Maria, Fin and Carisi were alert and ready to take on whatever the gunmen had planned.  Maria squeezed her eyes shut and said a short prayer. She was _not_ going to die today. This was _not_ how her life was going to end. She was gonna go home after all this was over and kiss her husband. She was _not_ going to die…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm really not sure if someone in the Army could suddenly go from being an intelligence officer to a medic, but I went with it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the delay, but my new boss has been killing me and life in general has been keeping me busy. Hope you guys enjoy and sorry for the short chapter!

They could hear gunfire but didn’t know what was going on or where exactly it was coming from. They all looked at each other from across the hallway. Was it ESU? Were the gunmen shooting innocent bystanders? Each said a silent prayer and settled in for a fight.

Smoke began swirling at the end of the hallway, there was shouting, and more gunfire erupted. Unexpectedly one of the gunmen began sprinting down the hallway with his automatic weapon drawn, firing rounds in rapid succession. All three detectives opened fire and the gunman took a few steps and then dropped, Maria suspected he was killed almost immediately after they had begun shooting back.

They all waited, bracing themselves for what was next…then a handful of ESU officers came through the smoke in tight formation, guns drawn, clearing rooms as they came upon them. The SVU detectives relaxed and stepped out into the hallway, but the ESU officers didn’t lower their weapons and instead one of them yelled, “drop your weapons and hands up!”

Fin glanced at Carisi, ‘ _what the hell??_ ’ “C’mon guys, we’re one of you! Our Lieu…”

“If you’re one of us then what is the color of the day?”

That was an easy question to answer and Fin couldn’t respond fast enough, “purple, the color of the day is PURPLE!” No sooner had those words been spoken ESU stood down and dropped their weapons.

But the detectives sense of relief was fleeting; Rollins yelled from across the hallway, “Maria, Liv stopped breathing. She needs help now!”

Fin yelled down the hallway, “We need a stretcher A-SAP!!”

Maria rushed to the lieutenant’s side; she checked her pupils, checked for a pulse, and then listened for her breathing which unfortunately wasn’t happening, “ok, we need to perform CPR. You up to date on your training?”

Rollins nodded, she needed to help, Liv was the best boss she’d ever had, but she was scared, performing CPR on a First Aid dummy was entirely different than breathing life into a human being. She hoped she was doing it right.

Maria carefully slid Liv down from her seated position against the wall, to lying flat on the floor, Rollins adjusted her head, and Maria knelt to the side of her and positioned her hands on Liv’s chest and began chest compressions. Maria rhythmically kept a pace; keeping count in her head how many times she compressed and stopped only long enough for Rollins to breathe air into Liv’s lungs.

Simpson sat in the corner watching, he had managed to tear away part of the tape which had covered his mouth, he laughed as he shouted, “You should give up, that whore is going to die!”

Fin was incensed by this low life and stormed across the room with his gun drawn, “shut your mouth or I’ll cap your ass!” He reached down and reattached the tape to Simpson mouth and then gave him a parting kick to his thigh. Simpson writhed in pain as Fin walked away. Fin wasn’t a fan of police brutality, in fact he abhorred it, but this man was the reason Liv was fighting for her life and he’d gladly take any punishment IAB would hand down for _re-injuring_ Simpson.

Barba stood in the doorway with one arm draped over Carisi’s shoulder, balancing himself on his good leg as he watched Upshaw and Rollins working on Liv. He prayed for her, but things weren’t looking good. He tried to process all that had happened and couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. Why her?

Maria stopped chest compressions for a moment to check for sounds of breathing and she smiled when she heard the Lieutenant was breathing on her own, albeit slow and ragged.

“She’s breathing!” Maria exclaimed as she looked up and managed to catch a sign of hope in Barba’s eyes, everyone else had begun to give up and had an air of doom painted on their face, but for a split second Barba had this look, she couldn’t quite explain it, other than it was akin to a father hearing his child was born, she saw a spark of hopefulness nip at the corner of his mouth. He wiped away a tear with the back of his hand and mumbled something that Maria couldn’t quite hear.

“Where the hell is that stretcher?!?! She needs to get into surgery _NOW_!”  Maria wasn’t a religious person, she used to believe in god, but all that changed after her second tour in Afghanistan…nope, there was no god, only luck and Liv’s luck was running out.

She’d never call it divine intervention, but at that moment hospital personnel arrived with a stretcher.  They collapsed it and all four of them carefully lifted Liv onto the stretcher as Maria rattled off her vital signs.  She helped attach a resuscitator mask and began squeezing it as they all turned and quickly pushed Liv down the hallway. Maria and the hospital personnel were running as fast as they could. She hoped beyond words that Liv’s odds had changed.

Fin, Rollins, and Carisi stood there momentarily in disbelief, all thinking the same thing, ‘ _Liv was the toughest lady they knew, but even this was going to be a helluva fight_.’

Fin looked over at Barba as he leaned against Carisi, he never thought he’d say it, but damn Barba was one tough guy. Sure he wore his Brooks Brothers suits well, and was like a dog with a bone in the courtroom, but here he stood with a hole in his leg, blood soaked clothing, and he never once made a sound, not even a cry for help. Over the years Fin had watched as Barba’s relationship with Liv had grown, and he kept his thoughts to himself. He never saw the point in participating in office gossip. Liv never asked for his opinion and unless it affected her job performance he had no plans on offering it, but if she had, he’d tell her to pull her head out of her ass and do something. Today did nothing more than remind him how precious life was and how it could all disappear in a heartbeat.

“C’mon counselor, let’s get you taken care of. Liv’s going to be ok; you and I both know she’s a fighter.”


	6. Chapter 6

Barba lay in his hospital bed staring out the window. It had been two days after he had been shot and he was still trying to sort everything out. They had taken him into surgery shortly after the shooting and once he had come to he had tried to get information on Liv, but the hospital kept quoting HIPAA laws and how they couldn’t divulge information about current patients. He had threatened them with a number of lawsuits, knowing all too well he didn’t have a legal leg to stand on and the hospital was all too happy to call his bluff.

His mother was away at a teacher’s convention in Nashville and he had decided it was best not to worry her, he was on the mend, and he’d have plenty of time to tell her all about it once she returned.  Carmen of course had stopped by to see how he was doing and brought him some toiletries; he made a mental note to send her flowers. Beyond that no one else had come to visit him and he wasn’t sure if there was a reason for it? Did Liv not make it? Were people too afraid to tell him? He tried to remind himself that no news was good news, but he couldn’t shake this feeling that something was wrong.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts and Maria stood in the doorway with a few balloons attached to a large bouquet of flowers. “Sorry I couldn’t get you anything more masculine, but I made sure they attached blue balloons.” She laughed as she placed them on a table in front of the window, “the rest of the squad had planned on coming with me, but they caught a case and decided it was easier if I came alone. I’m sure they’ll stop by before you get discharged.”

Barba smiled and gave a half-hearted laugh as he gazed at the flowers and still wondered what was going on with Liv, “it’s ok, I really do appreciate the sentiment Detective.” He cleared his throat, trying to formulate a sentence without allowing Maria to see how fragile he truly was, “do you have an update on Lieutenant Benson?”

Maria’s eyes grew wide, “Oh my god, no one told you?!?!”

Barba shook his head; the fear of not knowing was evident in his eyes.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Mr. Barba, had I known I would have come to tell you sooner. I assumed the hospital staff told you she made it through surgery.”

Barba let out a breath he had been holding in. Most of his life he had been a glass half empty kind of a guy, always expecting the worst of people, maybe it was because of the job, but the one bright spot in his life had been Olivia Benson. Somehow she had become his beacon, that shining light in a world of gloom. A weight had been lifted. He breathed in deeply, no longer caring what anyone would think, he opened his eyes and smiled warmly, “by the way, you don’t have to call me _Mr_ , I’ve grown rather accustomed to your squad calling me either by my last name or counselor. _Mr_ sounds so formal and thank you for letting me know how she’s doing. The hospital wouldn’t tell me anything.”

Maria shook her head, “we’re so wrapped up in creating laws to protect people’s privacy that we forget about all the stuff that matters.”

Barba nodded his head and then another realization hit him, _Liv’s son_! “What about Noah? Where’s her son? Is the boy ok?”

Maria tried to calm him, “all is fine, and we’ve got that covered. He’s splitting his time between Lucy and Amanda. We all felt it was best not to tell him about Liv getting shot. We thought it would be a bit too much information for a five year old to handle. For now he thinks his mom is out of town on business.”

Barba sighed and relaxed a bit more, everything was going to be ok.

Maybe it was because he was hopped up on drugs, or maybe it’s because they had spent some time chatting the day before, but Maria felt Barba was an easy guy to talk to, but most of all it looked like he could use a friend.

“So how are you doing? Hopefully they’re giving you good drugs to help temper the pain.”

Barba smiled thinking back to what the doctor’s had told him about his injury, “I really do need to thank you, the surgeon commended you on your triage work. He said if the detective thing doesn’t work out you can always get a job at Mercy Hospital.” They both laughed and Barba winced a little at the pain.

“Hurts pretty bad huh?”

Barba nodded, ashamed to show how weak he truly was.  He tried to make himself comfortable, but it was useless as he could only sit one position. He tried to focus on what mattered most, “How’s the lieutenant doing? Is she awake? Can I see her?”

“The surgery went well, but she did lose a lot of blood. There’s extensive damage to her shoulder, the ammo those bastards were using tore it up pretty good. The surgeon told me they lost her once, but were able to bring her back. It’s tough going into surgery that unstable when you’ve lost so much blood. She’s in the ICU and listed as critical but stable.  She’s one tough lady. They have her on some heavy duty drugs to manage the pain and I’m told she’s in and out of it.”

Barba exhaled a sigh of relief. He was glad she was ok, but he wanted to see her. He needed to see for himself that she was alive. He unconsciously played with the frayed edge of the blanket. Trying to think of a way to ask Maria to take him to see Liv without being too obvious.

As if she were reading his mind, “would you like to see her? I mean, you won’t be able to go into her room, but I can get you close enough to see she’s ok.”

“Are you sure? How?”

Maria winked, “I’ve made a few friends here.”

Moments later Maria was struggling to get Barba out of his hospital bed. She was strong, but he was in a great deal of pain and not only that, she had to deal with his hospital gown. _That_ in and of itself was a nightmare. She understood his modesty, but damn… Mentally she was already formulating a plan to hand him off to a nurse after they saw the lieutenant.

As Maria wheeled Barba down the hallway she began to feel bad about lying to him the day before. She had told him Liv was going to be ok. She still didn’t believe god had anything to do with her lieutenant’s survival, but she did believe in the power of _hope_. Had she told him the truth, he may have given up. She had seen far too many times soldier’s giving up hope and dying.

“Before I bring you into the ICU I did want to apologize for giving you the impression the lieutenant was going to be ok, that her injury wasn’t severe. I needed you to fight to stay alive and I was willing to do anything to make that happen.” Maria stood in front of Barba with her hand outstretched, “I hope you can forgive me.”

Barba looked down at her hand and smiled. He quickly returned her handshake, “No apologies needed. We’ve all had to make decisions in the heat of the moment, which some may not understand or approve of.”

Maria appreciated his candor and rolled him into the ICU unit and parked him near the nurse’s station. She stepped away to talk to one of the nurse’s, but mostly to give him some space. The lieutenant was in good hands, but seeing a loved one connected to all those machines was a lot to take in for a person.

Liv’s room was only 20 feet from him, but it felt like miles. There were monitors surrounding her bed, lights flickering on and off, and tubes everywhere. A nurse was in Liv’s room checking her vitals, and ensuring all the machines were working properly. Barba rubbed his hands over his face, she looked so frail. Seeing her this way only reaffirmed his feelings for her and what he needed to do.

After fifteen minutes or so Maria knelt down to be at his eye level and could see how emotional he was. Seeing anyone you care about in this condition was tough, let alone what he had been through.  “I need to get back to the squad; the nurse said you could sit here for a little longer as long as you promise not to sue them,” she winked, “you going to be ok?”

Even though Barba knew Maria’s comment was meant as a joke, he could only nod his head, the emotions he was feeling were overwhelming.

Maria smiled and patted his forearm as she turned to walk away.

Barba managed to clear this throat, “Hey detective,” Maria turned around and looked back at Barba, “you said it was worth it?” Maria frowned; she wasn’t sure what he was referring to and took a few steps towards him, “marrying your husband. You said it was worth it?”

Maria smiled at the memory of their conversation, “absolutely, I don’t regret a moment of it.” She knew what he was really asking, “You take care counselor, see you soon.”

As Maria walked down the corridor she wondered if she had given him the right advice? She was well aware of the roadblocks they’d encounter, but finding that person you love and who loves you back? That was magic…so yeah, Maria was more than ok with her advice.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Rafael wheeled himself into Liv’s room and paused momentarily to look at her.  All the wires and machines made him wince, but he was beyond happy she was alive. He wheeled over to her bed and got as close as he could. She laid there, unaware of his presence as he continued to stare at her. Even with her bed head, no makeup, and various tubes and wires, she still managed to take his breath away.  With one hand he reached up to brush a stray strand of hair away from her face, and with his other her took her hand into his. Her eyes fluttered open. She leaned her head into his hand, “hey…”

His prayers had been answered, and yet he couldn’t find the words to respond. The tears that had threatened for so long finally flowed down his cheeks. He released her hand, embarrassed by his emotions, and rubbed his cheeks with the back of his hand, but his eyes were red, there was no denying his concern.

“I’m ok Rafa; it’ll take more than a bullet to get rid of me.” But then realization struck her, she tried to sit up, but was knocked back by the searing pain in her shoulder, “where’s Noah? Does he know? Is he ok?”

Even though there was a lot he needed to tell her, Rafael was temporarily thankful for the change in topic, for now it could wait. “He’s with Amanda and Lucy. They haven’t told him anything yet; they’re waiting to find out how you want to handle it. For now he thinks you’re busy with work.”

She relaxed at hearing everyone had her son’s best interest in hand. They truly were her family; she didn’t know what she’d do without any of them.

“How are you doing?”

Rafael grimaced as he adjusted himself to better hold her hands, their fingers intertwined, “I’m doing ok. The doctor said I’ll probably be heading home tomorrow or the next. They want to make sure there’s no infection before they release me. It’s tough to walk and I’ve already been to physical therapy a couple of times so I’m sure I’ll be ditching this contraption real soon,” he said as he motioned to the wheelchair.

Liv chuckled at the thought of Rafael at physical therapy, he did not like to be bossed around and she pitied them, “I’m sure they’re happy to see you every day!”

“Are you saying I’m difficult?” Rafael said with a smirk.

They both shared a laugh, each knowing how little patience Rafael had when it came to being told what to do and how to do it.

Rafael became reflective and tears welled up in his eyes. Liv could see he was struggling to say something, but she didn’t know what it was or if he was in pain, or maybe something had happened that he was too afraid to tell her.

“Rafa, what is it? You know you can tell me anything.”

Rafael looked into her eyes, he dug down deep to summon the courage to tell her how he felt, but he was also unsure if this was the right time. He looked down at their hands which were still joined together; Liv was lazily tracing the veins on the top of his hand with her thumb.

“ _I_ almost lost you...” The rest of what he wanted to say was stuck in the lump in his throat. A few tears escaped and were trickling down his face. He laughed nervously as he wiped a few away with his other hand.

It was the first word in that sentence that caught her attention, not _we_ or _Noah_ , but I… _I_ _almost lost you_.

“Oh Rafa, I’m here. We’re going to be ok. I promise you I’m not going anywhere.”

“Liv, you can’t make those kinds of promises, especially after what happened yesterday. If anything, yesterday reminded me how fragile life is and how we need to savor every moment and go after what we want.” Rafael squeezed her hands in his and kissed her knuckles gently.

When he looked up all he saw was pure love and it gave him the courage to continue, “Olivia Benson, I want to take you out on a proper date, one where I pick you up at your front door and take you to one of the nicest restaurants in New York City. Will you do me the honor? If you want, Noah is more than welcome to join us.”

Liv couldn’t believe this was all happening, but Rafael was right, life was too short. It’s true her life was complicated, but that was the norm for her and what was one more complication to add to her plate?

She smiled at him and knew she had been taking too long to respond and could only imagine what Rafael was thinking. “If I could move I’d lean forward and kiss that look of concern off of your face, but for now you’ll have to settle for an IOU. Yes Rafael Barba I’d love nothing more than to go out to dinner with you, but if you don’t mind I think I’d like to keep you all to myself for our date. I love my son, but I’m hoping for an evening spent somewhere other than Chuck e Cheese.”

Barba laughed out loud, god he loved this woman. Loved…wow, that wasn’t something he was expecting to pop into his head so quickly. But the truth was, no matter how much he tried to downplay those thoughts, he kept coming back to how she made him feel. He wasn’t ready to profess his new found emotions for her, but he suspected it wouldn’t take long until he _was_ telling her exactly how he felt.

“Well Ms. Benson, you’re in luck because all of that physical therapy has taught me how to stand on my own and I can come to you.”

Rafael made sure the chair was locked and then he gripped the sides of the chair with both his hands to balance himself, and then he pushed himself up with his good leg. Once he was balanced he placed both hands on Liv’s bed and leaned forward. He hesitated a moment once their lips were only inches apart, he could feel her breath mix with his and he knew at that moment their first kiss would be one to remember.

When their kiss finally ended, he sat back in the wheelchair and he could only utter one word, “wow…”

From that moment on they decided not to waste another minute. They agreed there would be complications, that it would even be difficult, but as long as they had each other, it would be worth it.

* * *

Maria led the way as her and the rest of the squad walked down the hallway to the lieutenant’s room, she glanced back and couldn’t understand why they were walking so slowly. It was true she always walked fast, something her former college roommate and husband teased her about, but she couldn’t understand walking so slow. If you know where you’re headed, don’t you want to get there?

Her husband always asked why she had to run everywhere? She wasn’t running, she was W-A-L-K-I-N-G. Maria couldn’t help it if he and everyone else were lollygaggers. She looked back again and rolled her eyes. What was so important on Rollins’ phone that it couldn’t wait? It was probably that puppy video Rollins had showed her earlier. Ok, Maria admitted to herself it was funny, but it couldn’t wait? She had to show Carisi now?

Truth is, things were looking up at SVU, everyone treated her differently now, like she was part of the squad. She no longer felt like she had something to prove. True she was still low man on the totem pole and she still got the crappy assignments, but she suspected in time that too would change. Maybe this SVU thing was going to work out after all.

She reached the lieutenant’s hospital room and was about ready to walk in when she came to an abrupt stop. She stood and watched as Barba kissed the lieutenant. Thankfully she had been quiet and they didn’t see or hear her. They were too deep in conversation to hear anything, in fact a semi-truck could have crashed through the walls and it wouldn’t have caught their attention.

Maria smiled knowing that Barba had found the courage to take that leap and it was now time for her to pay it forward. She quickly turned around and managed to stop Fin, Rollins and Carisi before they had arrived at the lieutenants room.

Maria frowned and waived them back, she needed to make a split second decision, “the doctor is examining the lieutenant. He told me to come back in an hour or two. Anyone up for sushi? I know of a great place not too far from here,” she said as she began to herd them away from the lieutenant’s room.

Carisi made a face, “seriously, raw fish? Can’t we do something normal, a little less intimidating?”

Fin slapped Carisi on the shoulder as the detectives made their way back down the hallway, “don’t worry Carisi, I’m sure they have a kids menu.”

Maria laughed along with everyone else and confirmed what she had thought all along, _it’s good to be a fast walker_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry folks, no smut. I wish I could write it, but I'm awful at it. I'll leave it to your imagination. Let's hope with SVU's renewal we'll get to see some more Rafael :-)


End file.
